The Voldemort Chronicles
by Miss Noddy
Summary: Basically this parody of Harry Potter is set after the 7th book when everyone believes Voldemort to be dead. He is left without any magical powers and has to learn new skills and reinvent himself...in order to take back the world!


**The Voldemort Chronicles**

**Prologue**

It had been three years since Harry Potter had managed to once again outsmart the dark lord. The celebrations that had followed Voldemort's supposed demise were immense, as everyone believed that good had triumphed over evil in a final show of strength. But they were all deceived, for Voldemort was not dead at all. They should have known that a soul that had been separated into seven portions was indeed extraordinary, and that whilst the last portion of the soul resides inside the owner it can only be destroyed by the wand of the owner, in a direct self-attack.

Neither Harry Potter, nor Dumbledore nor anyone but Voldemort could have known this, and that is why an era of peace was declared amongst the wizarding community the day that Voldemort left his withered husk of a body behind at Hogwarts.

In truth, Voldemort existed just as he had done when Harry Potter had first defeated him at the age of two; a roaming spirit forced to inhabit unsuspecting wanderers until properly restored by a faithful servant. That servant was of course Lucius Malfoy, keen to put himself back in favour with his Dark Lord and therefore restored Voldemort back to his original form; a skeletal figure with a pallid complexion: In short, a male version of the evil old crone from Snow White. But without magic or a wand, Voldemort found that what was to follow next was beyond a fairytale.

**Voldemort's Transformation**

The sky spread a crimson light across the sky like the burnt out remainders of the day gone past. In stark contrast to this was Malfoy manner, grandly placed high on a hill with turrets poking out of the majestic building but the smooth black bricks of the building still managed to give the building a certain elegant quality that pleased not only the Malfoys.

Inside the building was a large dining room complete with a solid oak table which mahogany chairs were stationed at, and was lit by the flickering lights of the candelabras. At the table sat three figures; a tall man with long blonde hair accompanied by his wife and then a black cloaked figure who had his hands gripping the arm rests of his chair.

'My Lord' began the blonde man, 'shall I send for more food?'

'No need Lucius, no need' drawled the cloaked figure, 'for I am quite full up from the snack-a-jack's I had yesterday, and indeed, my lunch of ryvita'. The man pushed his cloak back to reveal a skull-like face complete with red snake-like eyes that made him look rather like a possessed corpse, or as Lucius Malfoy thought _half of Hollywood_.

'Lucius It is time for me to take the Death Eaters in another direction' the figure said as he tapped his long fingers together, 'with the wizarding community thinking I am gone it would be foolish to carry on with the same conventions of late'. Lucius exchanged a confused look with his wife but hesitantly nodded in agreement. 'This is why I ordered you to fetch that man I saw off the TV, last Tuesday…and I would like an audience with him now that we have finished with dinner'. Lucius nodded and left the room whilst his wife quickly waved her wand to dispose of their plates, and tried to avoid eye contact with the man who she was left with.

Lucius came back into the room kicking a slim Chinese man in front of him and proceeding to point his wand threateningly at him. 'Ouch, you perverse psycho!' exclaimed the Chinese man 'I've got a TV show to tape, you know- and I've been stuck in that dungeon for half a day!' Lucius pistol whipped the man with his wand before turning apologetically to his master. 'My Lord, this is Gok Wan' he gestured to the heap at his feet 'from 'how to look good…naked'.

'Ah yes, excellent' replied the man 'Lord Voldemort is very pleased at your presence'.

'Lord who?' Gok Wan shot back whilst dusting the soot off his black skinny jeans and smoothing his metallic-effect shirt. _So gay _thought Voldemort, _but a genius._

'Mr Wan I run a…business of men and women who are in need of a change in style to mark a new era' Voldemort said with a slither of excitement present 'and after watching your show, albeit on BBC i player (he shot a nasty look at Lucius who recoiled as if slapped), I have come to the conclusion that you are the man to aid me in that transformation'. Gok Wan laughed a camp shrill sound that reverberated around the room and made everyone wince. 'Listen mate' Gok Wan tittered, 'I've got a hit TV show that's paying me a heap of money and I've got to get back _right now_!'

'I shall pay you double' Voldemort calmly reasoned as he gestured at Lucius to bring his cheque book. 'And I am sure it will be an offer you can't refuse'. Gok Wan opened and closed his mouth a few times before looking back at Voldemort with a raised eye brow, 'you're serious?'

'Deadly' Voldemort retorted as he proceeded to write a cheque from his RBS cheque book, _this sum would make even Fred Goodwin jealous_ he thought. He handed the completed cheque to Gok Wan whose eyes began to bulge in a comical way.

'Then let us being our consultation!' Voldemort shrieked in triumph.

'Ahem- err my lord, you realise that was a bit random?' Lucius snorted.

'Silence Lucius, and come and prepare my closet for Gok Wan!'

'My Lord that is my wife and I's closet-'

'Prepare my fucking closet!'

Two hours later and Voldemort was standing in front of Lucius' floor length closet mirror with Gok Wan standing behind him with a tape measure draped around his neck. 'Riiight' Gok Wan drawled as he prodded the slack black cloak that Voldemort was wearing, 'I can see where you've been going wrong'. He began to slap Voldemort's bum while saying ' why-wear-frumpy-clothes-if-you've-got-the-figure?

Voldemort nodded in agreement and added 'I simply didn't have the foresight in my youth to go with a trendier look…and black is such a slimming colour!'

'Honey' Gok Wan said with his head in his hands, 'black is soooo boring and soooo last season', he began to tut at Voldemort's cloak who was starting to blush furiously. 'When I look at your closet, I think: somebody like's their pj's and bath robes 'cause honey, their ain't nothing else in there!'

Voldemort prodded the ground with the end of his boot and silently cursed his idea of bringing the Chinese man to the Manor…for he was not used to being ridiculed.

'Can we get on with this Mr Wan?' Voldemort said with agitation, 'I pay for advice, not for cutting remarks'.

'Don't worry honey' Gok Wan clapped his hands together, 'I have the perfect new look for you…now let's just…' and with this Gok Wan began to take Voldemort's measurements with Voldemort standing impossibly rigid whilst feeling violated and part of a prison ritual. After several more minutes he gave his recommendations to Lucius Malfoy who rolled his eyes before coming back almost instantly, to Gok's surprise, with the recommended garments.

Ten more minutes passed to find Voldemort standing in black high heels, yellow spandex trousers and a tight black t-shirt that as so tight it was actually painful to look at. 'Now I know that it's a bit of a change from what you're used to…' Gok Wan said as he joined Voldemort in looking in the mirror, 'but those heels really do maximise your height, Mr fabulous, and I thought the clothes gave you a more stream-lined look to emphasise your figure as well as giving you a wasp-ish look- like you're going to sting somebody' he winked.

Every inch of Voldemort wanted to be sick but for some reason he was buying in to Gok Wan's explanation. _A little tight around the crotch, _he thoughtas he tried to put fistfuls of spandex out of his arse, but he fostered a great liking for the high heels and took great delight in clip-clopping around the room as Gok Wan clapped camply.

Lucius Malfoy came in to observe Voldemort's new outfit and could barely contain himself. He excused himself from the room and ran full pelt to the toilet for he was laughing so hard he thought he might piss himself. And he did- down the full length of the corridor.

'Mr Wan' Voldemort proclaimed, unperturbed by Lucius' reaction, for he must have just been overly excited to see the new Death eater costumes, 'I'll take twenty of them!'

'Marvellous!' cried Gok Wan, high-fiving an ecstatic Voldemort.

_Indeed_ thought Voldemort, _indeed. The first phase of my mission is complete_. And with that Voldemort turned on his heel and clip-clopped down the corridor…before slipping in the puddle of piss.


End file.
